Speak with an Aussie or English accent: pass
Amusingly mispronounce words in a Spanish lilt or with a Gallic shrug: bare pass
Mispronounce words with a broad Indian drawl or scissor-sharp Chinese vowels: fail

Use an Anglo name: pass
Smile when asked, “I can’t say your name. Can I call you John?”: bare pass
Reply, “Sure. Can I call you fuckwit?”: fail

Never speak your language outside your home: pass
If you do, nod sheepishly when told, “This is Australia; speak English”: fail
Reply to the same question with, “I don’t see you speaking Turrbul”: clear fail

Wear a cross: pass
Wear a rakhi: it will be assumed you have just been to a festival – pass
Wear a turban or a hijab: you’re obviously not even trying




Janaka Malwatta

Author: Janaka Malwatta

Janaka Malwatta was born in Kandy, the hill capital of Sri Lanka, grew up in London, and moved to Brisbane in 2010. He writes predominantly narrative poetry, often based in Sri Lankan culture. He has performed poetry in Brisbane, including at the Queensland Poetry Festival. He has been published in a collection of Hint Fiction stories entitled “Short and Sweet”, in the QPF anthology, and in Peril Magazine. He was the Sri Lankan voice on the blog The Cordon. He is one half of the poetry and tabla collective Dubla. More details about his writing can be found at

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